How To Strengthen Your Marriage With Financial Conversations
- Marc Lowe
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
According to a 2012 survey of 191 Certified Divorce Financial Advisor professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%).
Recently, I met with a woman who was about ten years away from retirement. She was thoughtful, successful, and deeply frustrated. For years, she believed she was doing everything right financially — she had someone managing her investments, her taxes were being filed, and on the surface everything looked fine. But underneath that structure was a growing feeling that she had never truly prioritized herself or understood the deeper dynamics shaping her financial life.
As we talked, she shared something many couples struggle with but rarely articulate clearly: she and her spouse had completely different beliefs about money. She described herself as what I would call money-diligent — someone who saves consistently, tracks spending, and finds comfort in financial stability. Her spouse, on the other hand, showed strong tendencies toward what behavioral researchers describe as a money status mindset — spending freely, tying financial behavior to identity and lifestyle, and even hiding transactions to avoid conflict. Over time, these opposing beliefs created a widening gap between them, one that felt harder and harder to repair.
What became clear during our conversation was that their challenges weren’t simply about budgeting or investment strategy. They were rooted in something deeper:
The unconscious beliefs we carry about money.
These underlying beliefs are known as money scripts, a concept developed through research by Dr. Brad Klontz and Dr. Ted Klontz. Understanding these scripts can transform how we view financial behavior — not just in ourselves, but in the people closest to us.
Money decisions are rarely just about math.
Most people assume financial success comes from knowing the right investment strategy, choosing the perfect tax move, or finding the best retirement account. But after years of working with business owners, professionals, and pre-retirees, one thing becomes clear:
Your financial behavior is often driven by beliefs you didn’t consciously choose.
Let’s explore what money scripts are and the four primary types identified through Klontz Money Script® research.
What Are Money Scripts?
Money scripts are unconscious beliefs about money that develop early in life. They are shaped by family dynamics, culture, socioeconomic experiences, and emotional events.
Think of them as the “operating system” behind your financial behavior.
They influence:
How comfortable you feel spending or saving
Your tolerance for risk
Your views about wealth and success
Whether you avoid or engage with financial planning
How you respond emotionally to market volatility or financial stress
Many people don’t realize their financial challenges aren’t due to lack of discipline — they’re often rooted in deeply ingrained money scripts.
1. Money Avoidance
People with a strong money avoidance script often see money as negative or morally questionable.
Common beliefs may include:
“Rich people are greedy.”
“Money corrupts.”
“I don’t deserve wealth.”
While these beliefs can come from positive values like humility or generosity, they may lead to:
Avoiding financial planning
Underearning or underpricing services
Anxiety around financial discussions
Self-sabotage when financial success begins to grow
We often see this pattern among individuals who grew up with strong cultural or emotional messaging around wealth being associated with guilt or selfishness.
The growth opportunity:
Reframing money as a tool — not a measure of personal worth — can help align financial success with personal values. Look at examples of role models who did positive things with their wealth. Talk to your spouse about the causes you support and ways you could impact those causes financially.
2. Money Worship
Money worship scripts involve believing that money will solve most problems or bring lasting happiness.
Common thoughts include:
“If I just make more money, everything will be okay.”
“Financial success equals security and fulfillment.”
Ironically, individuals with money worship tendencies may:
Overspend
Accumulate debt despite high income
Chase income increases without clear purpose
Feel persistent dissatisfaction despite financial progress
This script is common among high achievers and entrepreneurs who equate financial milestones with emotional stability.
The growth opportunity:
Building clarity around values and defining what “enough” looks like can reduce the constant pressure to accumulate more. Look at setting up time with your spouse to look at the monthly budget and review how you guys did each month. Using budgeting apps to capture all transactions is an easy way for both spouses to stay on the same page.
3. Money Status
Money status scripts link self-worth and social standing directly to financial success.
Beliefs might include:
“My net worth reflects my personal worth.”
“I need to maintain a certain lifestyle to be respected.”
Potential behaviors include:
Lifestyle inflation
Overspending to maintain appearances
Comparing financial progress to peers
Risk-taking driven by social validation
Social media and cultural expectations often reinforce this script, especially for professionals in competitive environments.
The growth opportunity:
Shifting focus from external validation to internal goals and long-term financial independence. Compulsive gambling and hiding transactions may be occurring here and again, using budgeting apps that capture all transactions for the month can help keep both spouses on the same page. You can reflect on what is truly necessary in your lives and regularly review any clutter in your lives to be removed.
4. Money Vigilance
Money vigilance is often seen as the most financially protective script — but like all scripts, it has both strengths and challenges.
Typical beliefs:
“I must be careful with money.”
“Saving is essential for safety.”
Positive traits include:
Strong saving habits
Avoidance of excessive debt
Long-term financial discipline
However, extreme money vigilance can lead to:
Difficulty spending even when financially secure
Anxiety about financial decisions
Reluctance to enjoy wealth or pursue meaningful experiences
We frequently see this among first-generation wealth builders who experienced financial instability earlier in life.
The growth opportunity:
Learning to balance security with enjoyment and intentional spending. You can setup a "Fun Money" part of your budget where you can force yourself to spend on that date night or two each month. You can budget in vacations with the family or time to just chill. With those who are saving heavily and trying to build wealth, it is equally important not to push too hard and leave the most important relationship in your life on the back burner.
Why Understanding Money Scripts Matters
Financial planning isn’t just about optimizing numbers — it’s about understanding behavior.
Two people with identical income and investment strategies can experience completely different outcomes because their beliefs drive their decisions differently.
When you understand your money scripts, you can:
Recognize emotional triggers behind financial choices
Avoid repeating unhelpful patterns
Improve communication with partners about money
Make decisions aligned with your real goals rather than unconscious fears
In many cases, progress happens not when someone learns a new strategy — but when they understand why they’ve been resisting or repeating certain financial behaviors.
Moving From Awareness to Action
The goal isn’t to eliminate money scripts — everyone has them. The goal is awareness.
Start by asking yourself:
What messages about money did I learn growing up?
Do I associate wealth with safety, guilt, status, or stress?
When do I feel most emotional about financial decisions?
Are my financial habits aligned with my values — or reacting to old beliefs?
From there, you can begin designing a financial plan that reflects both your practical goals and your psychological tendencies.
Because the truth is simple:
Money can't buy happiness but having consistent, thoughtful conversations about it with your spouse can remove a major stressor in most marriages.
About the Author
Marc Lowe, CFP® is a fee-only fiduciary advisor based in Waterford, CT, helping pre-retirees & small business owners make smarter financial decisions.
The information presented in this article is the opinion of the author and does not reflect the views of any other person or entity unless specified. The information provided is believed to be reliable and obtained from reliable sources, but no liability is accepted for inaccuracies. The information provided is for informational purposes and should not be construed as advice. Advisory services offered through In The Money Retirement, an investment adviser registered with the state of Connecticut. The information linked to on third-party sites is being provided strictly as a courtesy and convenience. We make no representation as to the completeness or accuracy of information provided at these websites. When you access these websites, you are leaving our website and assume any and all responsibility and risk for use of the web sites you are visiting.The tax and estate planning information offered by the advisor is general in nature. It is provided for informational purposes only and should not be construed as legal or tax advice. Always consult an attorney or tax professional regarding your specific legal or tax situation.
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